Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Instead of kicking the dead horse....

Just walk away from it. 


(This song sums up my past 2 days beautifully.)

I have to walk away again.  My father informed me today that he is 62 years old-- he is NOT going to change.   I have decided that he is the same person he was 23 years ago when I cut ties the first time.  The only thing that is different now is that I am 36-- not 13.  I feel sorry for him.  To hold on to that much bitterness, hate and anger for all these years.  He trusts no one and is paranoid to the nth degree.  No wonder his health is failing at a rapid rate. In his eyes I am not the daughter who forgave and was willing to give a second chance.  Instead, I am and will always be the daughter who walked away and betrayed him.  Sorry but I have bigger fish to fry (like the vampire squirrels and rabid sheep) other than trying to prove myself to someone who made up their mind up about me yeeeears ago.  

Like the saying goes, "Never make someone a priority in your life, when you are just an option in theirs". 

So what do I do now?  I gently put down the ticking time bomb, back up about 3 or 4 steps, turn and run away-- screaming like a mad woman. 

For the record, there has been no evidence lately of the Cullen's moving in across the street. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

No really.. I'm fine

I realize that it seems like a lifetime since I actually blogged something.  It apparently has been so long that I am shocked that my brain (in its current state) had the ability to pull my password from out of the depths of my sub-conscious mind so that I could even log on here. 

No, I was not attacked by vicious vampire squirrels or rabid sheep.  Thankfully, I have enough garlic to ward off an Italian and the neighbors dogs ward off the sheep.  

Now for the purpose of my unexpected return. I know some of you have been worried about me and I appreciate your concern.  I am not okay right now-- but I will be.  There are a few factors playing into this.  First, it has been rainy and overcast here for what seems to be an eternity.  Seriously, I think the Cullens may have moved in across the street and claimed squatters rights.  If they have-- that's fantastic.  That means that werewolves will show up, and they can help ward off the rabid sheep.  And of course, my whole life has been turned upside down and slammed on top of me over the past two weeks.  

I am not posting any of this because I want pity,sympathy, etc.  I am simply saying, I need to be in my head.  It doesn't require me to talk much, or express much emotion.  As scary as what it can be sometimes, it is the only place I can go to be honest with myself, sort through crap, throw out the garbage and keep the good.  It's also the only place I can do this without having to pay my shrink twice a week to do it in her office. 

One more thing-- please, no phone calls right now.  I really don't feel much like talking about this stuff.  It is my own personal private hell.  If you do call, and I don't answer-- do not be upset or offended.  Yes, I am avoiding.  But only for a short while.  I will call back when I am up to it. 

So... that's all for now.  I will let ya know if I see any sparkling from across the street.